Navigating Life by Margaux Bergen

Author:Margaux Bergen [Bergen, Margaux]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2016-07-14T14:05:18+00:00

Surrender and Leap

Sometimes, in the day’s unfolding, there will be a moment of clarity: this daily life will carry on as I move through the ages—young, middle, old, and then gone. There won’t be many such for you yet, because conceiving of the end of one’s life is rarely possible for a young and healthy person. But there are moments of understanding that are brief and punchy. Pay attention to them.

I had one today while driving to pick up Brendan from school. Autumn is here finally. The trees are going about their business of splashing out in burning colors and then shedding their crispy leaves. I saw nature’s relentless pattern. I didn’t feel irrelevant—I just wondered whether I would matter and whether I would ever feel alive enough.

My historic operating mode is anxiety and then fear. Sometimes, when I have cleaned up my act and things appear on an even keel, I don’t know what to do with that blank space that was occupied by fear. My gut feels empty—scratchy and ill fitting. It is loose and must be belted tightly in a double knot.

I have programmed myself to respond to a particularly dull but comfortable and familiar weight. Without this fear map I don’t really know how to direct myself. It feels like I am losing the power steering in my head.

And yet every day since I recognized this pattern, I have tried to imagine and then own a life further from the edge. I don’t know what will emerge. No fear, no control, no power. No me. Sick, isn’t it?

Yes, you will discover the cost and the price of being human. Charlotte, last week you asked me if I was a feminist. I replied that I was a humanist, which may not technically be correct. But what I meant was that my philosophy is to be fully engaged with the world and with the people around me—and to treat them all with care and kindness. This is my aim. Not necessarily the outcome.

Humanity will take all manner of unexpected forms, and the hits and bullets will come: mental illness, family trauma, sickness, insanity, violent death. All these will probably make their way through your life at some time or other. What to do? Freeze or scream? Bow your head or look away? Or you can find that spirit deep within you: unmovable, resilient, loving, courageous, and mostly hidden; it will whisper to you and succor you when you most need guidance and support.

When I ignore my spirit and surrender to fear, or am reminded of pain or feel cornered, I notice a silence that stops my breathing, and across my forehead I feel this vinegary surge of heat that creeps down my neck. Ironically, it is the same feeling I have when I feel love or lust. These strong emotions are all intertwined. One’s body reacts to the spectrum of intense feelings in almost the same way.

There is a simple approach to life that has taken me years to articulate: life is now.

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